Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Breakin' Up is Hard To Do

By Deborah K. Martin

Sad to say, but these days MOST relationships break up. I hardly know anyone who hasn’t had a breakup of a serious relationship or marriage to include me, my parents, grandparents and one of my sons. I guess you could say I’ve got some bad karma to overcome. Or something like that.

So my question is this: Why is it so hard to do? Break up, that is. Why is it so hard to get a grip and move on? I ask because my two good friends, Sophia and Jasmine, came to me recently with similar dilemmas. They both had bad breakups but are finding it very difficult to get the sorry guy out of their minds and hearts so they can really, truly move on. I can’t tell it as well as they can so I’ll transcribe their stories as told to me.

Sophia came to me recently, in a happy relationship. Yeah, I know, so what’s the problem? Well, her prince charming (note – no capitals) is very charming indeed. He’s one of those guys who seem to LIVE to fulfill your every wish. (Where is good cloning technology when you need it?!) You name it – poof it appears, kind of like a genie in a bottle but the male kind. He adores every little quirky part of Sophia and let me tell you, she’s no shy flower. She says what she means and means what she says. She knows what she wants and she’s not shy about asking for it. I love that about her!

And you know what? HE loves her for it. And she loves him, but she tells me she may not be IN love with him. Why? Because there’s a ghost hanging around who just won’t go away. It’s the ghost of Prince Charming, the one who won her heart even though he turned out to be not so charming after all. Couldn’t hang when the going got a smidge challenging. But he had her heart and he still haunts her. Sophia says sometimes she feels like she’s in the wrong fairy tale.

It’s not that she’s unhappy exactly. She does love the little prince in many ways and they’re even planning a future together. Is she settling? You’d have to ask her. She doesn’t think so and she thinks she may “fall” for the other guy in time, especially considering how much REAL love he’s showering on her these days. Love IS a verb, after all. She just wishes the ghost would go haunt someone else and give her peace.

Then there’s Jasmine. She fell equally hard for her Prince but his flaws turned out to be too much for her poor heart to handle. He’s one of those roguishly charming men who makes a great buddy but a terrible lover and partner. If it’s not ALL about him he completely withdraws. No discussion, no issues. He demands perfection and adoration. Maybe perfect adoration. Of him. Even so, for several years Jasmine gave him chance after chance to do what he SAID he wanted to do. Commit. To her. But he always let her down.

He was never happy with what he had (her), he always wanted something or someone “out there”, but he always wanted to come back and until recently she always took him back because he had her heart. But a funny thing happened over the years. Every time he pulled away, saying he “didn’t know what he wanted” (while already pursuing someone else) she pulled a little bit of her heart back from him until finally, remarkably, miraculously – she wasn’t in love with him anymore.

It reminds me of that movie, “The Breakup” with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughan. Things are horrible between them and she keeps saying she wants him back but when he finally comes to her and tells her he wants to change for her – she realizes it’s too little too late – she no longer feels the same way for him.

Still, Jasmine is like most women, including Sophia. When we commit our hearts to a man, we then set aside a whole story of how life is going to be. We envision our future together and we plan for it. We SHOULD be able to plan for it. All the princes know this and they participate in the story, promising us all kinds of things we wish for. Maybe they want it, too.

When things go wrong, it doesn’t matter why the breakup occurs. We suffer two losses – we lose our companion and we lose the dream and plan for our future. BAM! Gone in an instant! Sometimes I think that’s the hardest part. Companionship is a dime a dozen but that hope for the future with your someone special is unique and sacred.

Sophia and Jasmine lost hope. They lost the dream. They lost a special future. Sophia now has someone who desperately wants to give her the future she desires but a part of her heart is stuck on “the dream” from the frog prince. Jasmine still remembers better days, happier times of laughter and the promise of a lifetime of play together. She knows it will never be so. Not with this man. She’s confident that there is another man out there who WILL fulfill her desires and give her a chance to fulfill his. But he’s not here. Not yet.

These women are in mourning and maybe you are, too. The process is the same whether you are mourning the loss of a job, a spouse, a child or a future. There are stages to go through and my advice to Sophia, Jasmine and to you out there in similar circumstances is to let yourself feel every stage. First comes denial and hopefully it won’t last long. I mean, it is what it is. He’s gone (probably with a new princess) and you’re left here to pick up the pieces. Sounds pretty real to me. Sophia and Jasmine would tell you it feels MUCH too real. And painful.

Then you need to get angry. Go ahead. BE angry. You have a right to your anger. He made promises, didn’t he? If you’re like Sophia and Jasmine you did your dead level best and he didn’t hold up to his end of the bargain. But don’t let your anger simmer too long or you will point it at yourself and that is always destructive.

After anger, your next goal should be to move on to acceptance and gratitude. Remember what Greg Berendt said in “He’s Just Not That Into You” – just because this one isn’t the one that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you so move on until you find the one who IS into you. Once you’ve accepted the demise of this relationship you can begin to be grateful for the good things you once shared and remember them fondly, without the anger and without sadness.

How long does all this take? For each of us the timing is different. My friend Jasmine said it has happened gradually over the years of going in and out of the relationship with the Charmer. Little by little a sisterly fondness overtook the romantic love. I’m not sure Sophia is there yet. Her frog prince bit her pretty bad. All the right words, all the wrong actions. Now she’s got the guy with EVERYthing right and I think she’s a little shell-shocked, like she’s waiting for the other shoe to fall. Only time will heal that wound and overcome the doubt.

I guess that’s really it, then. Time gives us everything. Rest. Distance. Perspective. Wisdom. Healing. As it should be. Life is a circle. When it is broken you have to heal, then take the ends and bend them back together.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Generation WTF?

by Crystal Laramore & Deborah Martin

This story is graphic.

As usual, I watched a taped show of one of my favorite investigative shows this weekend. What was unusual was my response to the show. I watched it Sunday night and I’m still reeling from the story. As the story goes there was a young female college freshman at the age of 17 boozing and carrying on at a big party. So far, so what? Then the young girl takes a pill called ecstasy or X for short. Here’s where the fun begins! The pill makes you feel extra special sexy/sexual. Hmmm. Does a 17 year old female REALLY need a pill for that? Anyway, the pill apparently taught her how to give lap dances. She was drunk and on pills and giving a boy she liked a lap dance.

She told him she wanted to have sex with him. He was probably drinking too, whatcha think? Sometime during all the sexually charged moments they decided, or someone decided for them, they should go to a bedroom. So far I’m not pissed off…but then as the story goes, TEN of his friends go with them into the bedroom. The boy who was the object of the girl’s affection is trying to have sex but gets sick and vomits on her face. She doesn’t really care because she is passed out. Her pants are off but she is dressed other than that. Her underwear is wrapped around her ankle and the boys are lined up to take their turn since their buddy has passed out and cannot finish the job. NOW I’m pissed off!

You tell me where any of this is acceptable starting at TEN of his friends followed them into the bedroom? I don’t care if the young girl was dancing NAKED (which she was not) in front of the boy she liked and I don’t care if he didn’t even like her back-it is UNACCEPTABLE for young men, old men or boys to have sex with a girl who does NOT want to, cannot defend herself, is passed out, under-age, asleep, drugged or whatever adjective you put here. The only time it is acceptable for a male to have sex with a female is when she WANTS him to; when she CONSENTS. Just b/c she is UNABLE to say no does NOT mean she said YES.

Not only were they taking turns having sex with her they were taking turns doing other things at the same time as well. It sickens me. It makes me sad. It pisses me off.

How have we sunk so low as a society that young men think this is acceptable behavior? Where are these boys parents? I've said this before: in all our liberation and tolerance we've lost some very important character traits like honesty and integrity. We've not only lost the ability to refrain from doing what's wrong but also the courage to stand UP for what's right!

I long for the days when a man considered it his job and privilege to protect others. I long for the days when a man actually thought it was MANly to protect a WOman; rib of his ribs. Now, don't get me wrong here. We women can and DO protect ourselves most of the time. But the young woman in this situation was passed OUT and therefore helpless. Where were the boys who would defend this young woman drugged without her knowledge, rendering her incapable of saying NO, not only to her young man but to 10 of his buddies? Are you telling me that not ONE of those young men recognized this situation for what it was? A gang rape.

Why was it left to 3 young women to stop these guys and rescue the girl? These women weren't even friends of hers but they had the courage to break down a door and confront almost a dozen horny, drunken young men!!! Where were the MEN in this situation. I wouldn't call the nearly dozen toads in the room men. REAL men don't stand for the mistreatment of women. Or children. Or old people. Or the mentally or physically impaired. REAL men respect others. In ALL situations.

And someone please, please, please tell me the logic or justice in not charging the three worms who actually ended up raping this helpless girl? Because the young girl couldn't remember the incident? If they'd murdered her she wouldn't remember that either. Call me silly, but I don't see a whole lot of difference here. There were WITNESSES!!!! They could testify to the act, couldn't they? Are we saying now that because she's passed out she's given her consent to whatever happens to her while she's passed out? Not only is that not logical or reasonable - it is inSANE!!!

The Sheriff in this town is a female and she took her evidence to the DA who is also a female. The DA said b/c the young 17 year-old girl could not remember the incident (mabye b/c her blood alcohol level was almost .3) there was not enough evidence to bring it to a grand jury. Really? Wow! If we cannot even get WOMEN to grasp the horror of such acts why should we expect men to? If we cannot as women and sisters of women NOT condone this behaviour, punish this behavior and scream to the top of our lungs that this is unacceptable, then who?

What kind of parents did these kids have anyway? I find it hard to believe that good old mom and dad told little Johnnie that this kind of behavior was A-OK. I'm so angry and disheartened about what this says about our society that I can hardly see straight. I'm certain my blood pressure is up there!

Fathers: Listen to us, hear our hearts; you should be teaching your sons to be our protectors not our predators! My father would call the police and have my brothers arrested himself if they were ever involved in anything like this!

The next part that really angers me is that the mothers of the boys defended them. ARE YOU SERIOUS???? Those boys should have kept it from happening instead of encouraging it and then participating in it.

Parents: Booze, drugs, women, groups = gang mentality

Testosterone is a powerful chemical and when you mix it with booze and drugs it is often dangerous, as dangerous as the booze and the pills...

Parents: YOUR children WILL do these things unless YOU teach them not to.