Ex Marks the Spot

Written 28 July 2010


When I look around at all the Great Women of America GWA (hereto after referred to as GWA) out there dating a Richard who is hung up on an ex relationship that was so bad it ended I just want to scream. It seems like you guys need the conflict so you can have conflict resolution. What good is a relationship if it doesn’t need fixing? Right? I am man. Hear me settle...
So Guys, help us understand. Why, oh why do you chase after relationships that are full of turmoil, chaos and basic unhealthy ingredients? We GWA really want to know.
In the last several months I’ve run across a number of Richards who can’t seem to get their emotions in check concerning their ex’s. Additionally, I’ve ran across a couple of Sophias who are dating some of these Richards or have male friends who are going through ex withdrawal.
Now, mind you all of these men did the leaving. Not one of the stories I’ve heard in the last several months was about the man getting dumped and hence having rejection blues. No, this group of Richards had the foresight to know a bad thing when they saw it. All or part of the relationship was poison and they left. But now, but NOW they are looking back wondering if maybe they were at fault, maybe they could have done something more. Maybe she was -insert verb- b/c he made her that way. Yeah, that’s it!

mis*take (noun)

1. incorrect act or decision
an incorrect, unwise or unfortunate act or decision caused by bad judgment or a lack of information or care
2. error
something in a piece of work that is incorrect…(relationships are a piece of work)
3. identify somebody or something incorrectly
to identify somebody or something incorrectly…(it’s ok. Correct your course)
4. choose something incorrectly
to choose something incorrectly or injudiciously (take your time and
choose wisely)

in*san*i*ty (noun)

1. lack of reason or good sense
extreme foolishness or an act that demonstrates such foolishness (going back to a hurtful relationship)
2. repeating the same process and expecting different results (My personal favorite but not found in ANY dictionary)
We have all gone back at least once, to a bad relationship and where did that get us? Further behind. When I say bad relationship I’m not covering the entire relationship with the “bad” blanket. I’m covering the whole of it. Are you with me? If 98% is right and 2% is wrong it depends on what the 2% consists of. Sometimes that 2% is SO significant that when it’s wrong it wipes out the 98% that is good. I’ve been there, I know.
When we leave a relationship we’ve been making the decision for a long time; sometimes weeks, months or for the slow-to-go, years. If we have thought that long about leaving, then it is most likely a mistake to return. Yes I know, we all get lonely and our routines change and memories flood in and out of our minds and hearts and we yearn for the good times. Time erases a lot of bad memories.
But we must remember the basic, fundamental reasons we left. We need to reign in our anxieties and wait. Returning to the basically unhealthy relationship is insanity. Look for the sign that says “No U-Turn and take time to grieve.
Ex. There’s a reason we call them ex’s. Embrace the word ex. Hold onto it. And don’t try to change it into present or future or repeat; as in repeating the same mistake. And should you find yourself experiencing a temporary lapse in all things sane, talk to your buddies. They know you best.
Don’t try to work it out with the new flame. First of all, she does not know you inside and out and second of all she does not want to hear all about the great qualities your ex had and then how bad she treated you. Opposing views and all makes one crazy and builds insecurity right up front. Hint: if the relationship was great it would not have ended hence you would not need to go to your buddies for advice in the first cotton-picking place. Guys, get into and stay in the right relationship!
Sometimes men find themselves playing house and going through the motions of life then suddenly they look around the place (their place) and realize “Oh, she’s all moved in. Hmmm. Wonder when that happened?” And then they go shoot some hoops with the guys to relieve some of the stress. When they’re finished they come home to a clean house, clean clothes and a hot meal and think “Hmmm. This isn’t sooo bad”. I asked one of my male friends “If you didn’t ever ask her to move in, how did it happen”? His reply? “One bag at a time”.
And time marches on. There are several areas that are bad, really bad. But she loves you. Never mind she treats your family, and heaven forbid your children, with disrespect. She loves you. And the sex is great. Let’s not leave that part out.
I have a particular friend going through some turmoil/withdrawal at the moment. He has lamented to me for weeks about the reasons she’s now called ex. I’ve listened, tried to give sound advice and ask him pertinent questions that only he can answer (it’s the Out
Loud Test: If it sounds crazy when you say it out loud-here’s your sign.)
Now to be respectful and understanding she was great; just not great for him (in his very own words). Sometimes Richard and Sophia have great chemistry but the fundamentals are all wrong. If Richard leaves and meets Tammy and Sophia meets Federico, they are blissful. Who knows why that is; maybe it’s chemistry-like real scientific reasons. Maybe it’s God saying we took the wrong path and he needs us to find our way back. Again, who knows?
Listen, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years, 25 years, it doesn’t matter. When you’ve shared a significant part of your life with someone the separation is NOT easy. One of my dearest friends was married for eleven years and when her relationship ended it was devastating for her and SHE IS the one who walked out. He was no good for her.
There were pieces and parts that were good but in the end she just wasn’t happy. And it took her a long time to get past the hurt and rejection. Rejection you say, but she left him! Ahhh, yes and here’s where it gets interesting. If he had not rejected her, she would not have left. Get it? Here, let me try it this way. If we are being loved and cared for and nurtured and supported there is no reason to leave.
We leave because the rejection is too great to sit day by day and lay night by night next to someone who does not believe in us. Our greatest desire is to be appreciated. As Mary Kay Ash would always say “Everyone is walking around with an invisible sign hanging around their necks saying “Make Me Feel Important”. It became known as the MMFI rule.
Men, if your partner is not making you a better man, you know-all that you can be-, then she is not the one. And the same goes for you ladies. If the most significant person in your life is jealous, controlling, non-supportive, judgmental, selfish, non-understanding of your wants, dreams and desires or insert your favorite here, then you need to go find the one who is or is not all of those things.
When a relationship disintegrates into ashes you should sweep up the mess and bury it in a nice place in the back yard. Preferably the pesky neighbor’s yard and not your own. Revisiting the insane asylum is, well, insane.
When a relationship ends it’s kind of like death. You have a grieving process you must go through; through intimates who will get you to the other side. And on the other side are wonderful treasures like peace, passion and happiness; support, caring and nurturing; respect, loyalty and deep love. I recently told my friend Richard “You get one shot at life. There is NO reason to settle. You can have deep passionate love and you can have peace. At the same time”. Again, grieve.
Now during your grieving process and your thoughts of relationship suicide (going back) what happens if you meet someone, maybe even the one? You take it slow and you practice BLUF (bottom line up front {a former Army Ranger friend taught me that acronym and I thought it was, well, kinda hot}). Anyway, I digress. You get it all out on the line and you tell the new person where you are and if you’ve had intimate relations in the last few days or weeks. You should be prepared to let that person know or at the very least keep your boxers on.
Full disclosure in a new relationship is not always necessary but have some respect for the unsuspecting GWA and either practice BLUF (so she can make an informed decision as to continue with you at a slow pace or run at a very fast pace) or practice celibacy for awhile. Give yourself time to ready your heart, mind, soul and spirit for the great adventure that awaits you. Get comfortable in your own skin again before you go getting up in someone else’s skin…
The GWA are self-reliant, self-assured and independent. We’re not jealous of anything you have, we are proud of you for achieving it. Hell, we’ll even help you do better if that’s what you want. We’ll not complain if you want to watch the Pistons and the Lakers fight it out in the playoffs. We’ll sit by you. We may fall asleep on your chest, but be rest assured we won’t take you away from that kind of mind blowing excitement.
We’ll treat you, your friends, your family and, above all, your children with respect, love and dignity. We will not degrade you in public or private. We will be at the finish line cheering you on. And we will demand it all in return. We are kind but we are not weak. We will look at our man with love and respect and do our best to make him want to be a better man because he is with us.
If we all took a soulful inventory and did not settle there would be less divorce and more forever after.
And when, not if, you are lucky enough to find the one, hold on for dear life. You’ll be glad you did! Elton John sings one of my favorite love songs called, you guessed it, The One. There’s a verse that says “In the instant that you love someone, in the second that the hammer hits, reality runs up your spine and the pieces finally fit…and all I ever wanted was the one, like freedom feels when wild horses run…” Hello! “That’s what I’m looking for and I will not settle. How about you?

Update: The One did find me and I am holding on for dear life!